I have a saying.

"Glark, book-ook, munganga-ka dee!!!"

That is not my saying.  Those are the noises I made when I learned how to barefoot water-ski for the first time and 2000 gallons of water rushed into my crotch at 38 miles per hour.

As I sat, floating on the water, the life jacket, trying it's darnedest to keep me afloat despite my desire to empty my stomach into the already slime and Swan filled waters, I realized that sometimes things don't always go as planned.  You see, despite many years of being the youngest in the family, I somehow maintain the attitude (or delusion) that optimism is still the way to go.

I know, all you realists, and pessimists, and conservationists out there may disagree... but that's your nature, right?  I actually find that even if being an optimist doesn't really help me in everyday circumstances, it can help others.  People think being a pessimist is edgy.  Hah, get real.

You want to confuse people?  You want people to really think you're nuts?  Have a few bad days and STILL have a positive attitude.  Nothing makes a pessimist cringe like having a bad day and being able to shrug it off.  We've ALL had bad days.  All of us.  Every single person reading this can rattle off 5 things in under a minute that gets them down.  Likely 5things that happened just today.  Now list 5things you have to be happy about.  

I'll wait.

...

You want me to still wait?  Cause it's actually easier than you might think...  Look at the first 10 you listed that are bad things... they are all behind you.  They are over (well, unless you listed chronic pain or 2000 gallons in your crotch, cause that takes longer than a few seconds to go away (especially if swans are in the water (little know fact, swans are friggin' jerks (seriously, I hate swans (you would too if after 2000 crotch-gallons one came hunting you for no reason!))))).

Let me pretend I'm you for a minute (ooh, don't I feel so sexy all of a sudden).

1.  I stubbed my toe when I woke up (you list as bad thing, I list as "hey, now it doesn't hurt anymore and I'm over it)

2.  I woke up late for work and had to rush (I list as whew, though a crazy rushed morning, I still made it in time, who rules, I do!)

3.  Had to make coffee b/c Janice (friggin' Janice!) took the last cup (I list as meh, no big, fresh coffee is  better any ways)

4.  Had to poop at work (I have the advantage here, I can poop like a ninja and be in and out in less time than you can pee, so, sorry, I'm just better at this than you, don't take it personally, (we all have our superpowers <--click))

5.  Forgot the to-go breakfast you left on the counter (but now it's later, and you got to eat whereas thousands today did not (feel guilty yet?  check out Mr. Wet Owl, he also had a bad day)

So, to recap...

Everyone has reasons to be pessimistic or optimistic.  I think the world might just be a happier place with more optimists, but again, that's just my opinion 

I normally (on any given day) get pretty excited about a good dump.

However, when my daughter pooped in the toilet for the first time, that was time to celebrate.  

She pooped!

She dumped!

She crapped!

She dropped her very first load!  

She pinched her first loaf!  

She plopped her first squat!  

She gave Fozzy bear the old Wacka-Wacka

She dunked some stinky oreos!

She liquidated some Snickers!

She submerged her first colon submarine!

She released the bowel hounds!

She relaxed her anal sphincter in order to expel solid liquid waste residing in her colon!

She sent the muddy pigs to the abattoir 

She parked the brown car at the splashmart

She released Pooh Bear back into the Wild

She told the wicked monkeys to go home

She shot Chewbacca out of the cannon

She paddled the stank-canoe out of the tunnel

She gave the Tazmanian Devil the slip

She threw wood chips down the Slip-N-Slide

K, that's all I can come up with for now.  Yay!

In other news, it was not the normal bribes to get your kid to poop that did it.  Nope, she did it so she could play with mom's computer (that's my girl!).

She's finally out of this stage, moving to the next...

Next phase... fun shapes!!!

There are certain things in life that go up and down at very high rates of speed.  Sometimes these things make you nauseated and sometimes terrified, but often, you can enjoy them.  These things are called roller-coasters, and that is not what this entry is all about.

This entry is about gravity.  I have made a breakthrough discovery which will likely change the world as we know it, and possibly save humankind.  You're welcome.  Let me explain.

For those of you who currently live on earth, or who have put down the meth long enough at least to visit for a bit, you likely know two things about gravity.

1st factor: Gravity is directly proportional to the mass of an object.  Thus if we are on the moon, it has a much smaller mass, and Neil Armstrong can jump much farther and hit a golf ball 700 yards.

2nd factor: Gravity is INVERSELY proportional to the distance of the objects squared.  Thus, as something gets farther away from the planet, the gravitational pull decreases quickly.

These are facts based in science which you may or may not chose to believe.  If not, please test your own gravity theory by jumping off the nearest 50 story building and willing yourself to float around.  

For many years, these two facts served as the basis for how gravity worked.  Some of the aggressively dorky in the class may point out the quantum theory of gravity as well, to which I say shut up, no one cares about graviton particles but you.  

Back to my theory.

Assuming point 1 and 2 above are true, there is also a third factor which can drastically effect the magnitude of gravity.  That, of course, is alcohol.

You see, as one consumes alcohol, the power of gravity directly on the brain increases with every drink.  Now when I say gravity on the brain, I mean exactly that.  Though some so-called "doctors" might tell you that alcohol is absorbed in the GI system and acts as a central nervous system depressant.  This is of course idiocy.  Alcohol has multiple magical food demons that hide inside while you drink them and make you temporarily feel awesome, until they die, at which time you also feel like you wish you were draped over a boat and left to sea, or "hung-over."

The formula goes something like this:

Gravity (3rd factor) = brain x (D x 10%) x (TT>5 + T<20)

For every drink >1 that you consume, the earths gravitational pull on your brain increases by 10%.  Thus after a few drinks, you  might feel a little heavy, but, after 10 or more drinks, trying to keep your head from colliding with the pavement at exponentially increasing rates of speed becomes an impossibility.  Also, the TT>5 is the fact that for each tattoo on your body more than 5, added to the amount of Teeth you currently possess less than 20, can greatly increase your chances of having the gravity pull your face into the ground with drinking.

I site exhibits a,b,c,d below as just a few examples of my theory.

Have you ever had excessive gravity attack you before??

"Hmm, I think I'll break my leg today, they do have cable in the ER, and after that, maybe I'll see if I can juggle running chainsaws."  No one does this.  No one actively chooses to come into the ER.  Well, usually they don't.  

Let me tell you a story.

It's a story about someone who can chose his customers.

A friend of mine owns his own business.  He washes windows for a living.  

He works hard.  Very hard.  He is ridiculously hard working.  You know when you come home from work, and say, 'man, that was a hard days work.'  He will not be there to hear you because he has not gotten home yet.  Also he left earlier than you did this morning.

He told me about a potential customer of his.  The person called and demanded that he come over and wash his windows.  My friend saw where the potential customers house was and pretty much denied him on that.  He said that he had been mugged in that neighborhood before and he no longer worked in that area.  

Now this is where it gets interesting.  He owns his own business.  In my mind, he should be able to say:

"Nope, not going to wash your windows, sorry."

He is the owner.  He can do that, right?

Well it turns out that the person who lived in that house happened to be an angry man.  He thus tried to sue my friend for discriminating against him.  My friend refused to pay him money based on discriminating against him.  It ultimately went to court.  The judge, who apparently knew this slime-ball person suing my friend told him to "get the hell out of my courtroom and stop bothering hard working people!"  

Apparently this guy had done this type of thing multiple times before.  This was his living.  He made money by suing people.  Despite my friend "winning" the case, he had still accumulated $30,000 in legal fees in order to protect his business and his name.  Cost to the other guy... $0.  

Thus, even when you can chose your customers, it can be harsh.

I can't chose my customers (they are not patients any more, they are customers, as if they are coming into the Emergency Department to buy a gallon of milk and some Listerine (though one of the drunkest patients I have ever seen did get blitzed off Listerine (cool mint Listerine no less (such fresh breath for a drunk! (though it didn't mask the feet)))) though I really would like to.

There are certain draw backs to my job.  No one comes to me on a good day.  The simple fact that you are going to the ER to be seen means something went wrong, unless you are insane.  

There are times (oh so many) where I wish I could pick my clients.  But, what most people don't realize is that it's not the sick ones most ER docs dread.  Oh no, not at all.  Give me a patient having a big heart attack any day.  I can help them and get them to the cath lab and make a difference.  You got a patient with horrible pneumonia?  Bring it on!

However, if you have a 22 year-old patient with chronic back pain, and been feeling 'off' for the last 6 months, and also has eyelash pain as well as chronic fatigue syndrome with a side order of fibromyalgia?   I'm sorry, ma'am, I'll be in to help you as soon as I'm done juggling these chainsaws.

In Washington the brilliant leaders have come up with an idea to solve all of the Medicaid woes for the state.  

It's simple (says the politicians),  All we need to do is have people not go to the Emergency Department for things that are not emergencies.  So, if they do go to the ER for something that is not an emergency, then we are not going to reimburse the doctors or hospitals for taking care of them.

Now I will agree wholeheartedly that people come into the ER all the time for non-emergencies.  I see people with colds, earaches, toothaches, diaper rash, nausea/vomiting, and everything rotten that you can possibly think of.  Much of the time these are not true emergencies.  However, sometimes they are.  Sometimes a cold is actually a pneumonia requiring treatment.  But I have to run tests to figure this out.  The politicians would like you to know your diagnosis before you have been tested so that you don't go to the ER unnecessarily.  Yes, you have chest pain.  Yes, it could be a heart attack.  But just think, it might just be a cold, right?

Hmm...

Here's the great part.  As an ER doctor, I am also required by law to see every single person who comes through the door.  I am NOT allowed to refuse service.  So, if someone comes in with a complaint that is not emergent, I am still required by law to do a screening exam and check them out.  That's the law.  So now if I worked in Washington I would be required to evaluate people that come in, determine if they are sick or not, then if I determine they are not sick I would not be reimbursed for my effort. 

Does this sound weird to only me?

Let's do some fun and exciting role playing.

Let's say your computer is broken and you take it to the technician to get fixed.  

You: "I think it's a virus in my computer, I'm scared that that's the problem,"

Techno-dude: "Alrighty I'll check it out and get it fixed.

You: "Good.  Now I want you to fix it, regardless of the problem, however, if it is NOT a virus, then I'm not going to pay you for your time and effort."

Techno-dude: "Uh, that doesn't seem fair"

You: "Shut your face-hole!  Fix it!"

Yeah, that's kinda how this works.  Still missing it, well, don't worry, I'm loaded with analogies like the potato skins at TGIF.

You: Hey Mr. Mechanic-man, my cars making a gnaaark'gnaaark'gnaaark noise (note: this noise is also made by Orcs from various video games (WOW)).

Him: Sure, I'll check it out.

You: Hold up.  I'm worried that it's my brakes and they might go out and something dangerously bad could happen.

Him: Yeah, well, like I said, I'll  check it out.

You: Right, so could you fix it, but if it's not the brakes, I'm not paying, k?

Him: That sounds like a completely reasonable and fair way to practice business, but I'm afraid I have to punch you now

What if it was with other physicians as well?

Homicide detective: Hey there Mrs. Pathologist... I need you to do and autopsy on this corpse and determine how he died and if it was due to murder.  

Doc-O-the-dead: Will do.

Homicide detective: One thing though.  If, after you do all that work and determine the cause, it turns out that it was NOT foul play, we're not paying for your work.

Doc-O-the-dead: ...reeeeeally?

I guess getting forced to work for free is not a bad thing.  I suppose we should just do the same with the politician.  You have 2 years in office.  You said that unemployment would be down, the economy would be up, there would be less taxes and more programs for the poor.  The opposite of all of that has happened... So now you don't get paid.  Yeah, I know you were trying your best and tried to do what you thought was right, but we're not paying, sorry.

If only I had a comic with a squid that conveyed my frustration.

Oh well, here's another comic with a squid