* * * "This is Paramedic741, we have a multiple stabbing victim coming in, be there in less than 2 minutes" * * * *

Sorry to interrupt you sir, but you are in the Emergency Room right now.  Yes I do realize that it is probably a VERY important cell phone call that you are having right now.  I am sure that your girlfriend wants to know what the inside of the ambulance looks like, and also that some idiot doctor really is pestering you right now.

I apologize for my irrational behavior, but could you please at least let me know how many times you were stabbed?  Oh, it was five times?  Ok, thank you.  Please continue with your important call, I will patiently wait while you continue to bleed all over the floor.  I am sure discussing which bars you went to last night is infinitely more important than finding out if any vital organs were sliced open.  You're right, I am being a prick for interrupting you. 

Yipes!  Yes, you are right.  It is completely Fu*#(@&*  malpractice for us to try to put an IV in you.  We would not want to accidentally give you some IV fluid and maybe give you life-saving medication.  Yes, please continue to test message all of your friends instead of answering any of our questions.  I understand, you have a very busy life, and at 3:50am many people want to be woken up so they can get that important information. 

Interesting perspective.  Though I don't agree that the nurse is a F*$@ing B*#%, thank you for screaming it at the top of your lungs.  I'm sure the family with the sick children next door appreciate your perspective.  These new people are from the surgery team, they have to evaluate you as well.  No, I'm sure they won't interupt your busy schedule of swearing, peeing on the floor (despite the urinal literally 5 inches from your hand) and texting on your phone. 

Sir!  SIR!  Please refrain from taking a swing at our staff.  Though you were no where close to hitting them, likely since you are amazingly drunk and uncoordinated, we try to refrain from punching people in here.  Thank you.

No.  I actually think that leaving the ER right now to go outside and have a cigarrette is a bad idea.  Sometimes, when people get stabbed several times, that is actually a bad thing.  Yes, I know, I am a stuck up F*#@.  I do have crazy demands.  Again sorry for the inconvienience.  We would like to run a few tests though.  Yes, I know that you ARE SURE nothing is wrong.

Oh, guess what.  Somehow, despite your extensive medical training, you were actually wrong.  It turns out that you actually do have serious medical problems after being stabbed multiple times.  What's that?  Ah, I see.  Yes, you are right, I just ran all of those test since I am greedy.  Even though you informed me several times that you are not going to pay for any of this Sh*#, and I am sure you won't, that is my main reason for ordering all of the test.  By some weird cooincidence we managed to keep you alive and find serious problems though.

You are going to have to be admitted to the hospital overnight.  Yes, we are all F&#*ing A&&holes.  It is unreasonable for us to admit you to the hospital and not let you smoke while you are on oxygen and not let you go back to the bars draging your intestines behind you.  No, we don't let you drink vodka in the hospital.  We're kind of jerks that way. 

Sorry for the inconvienience.  
 

Ever looked directly into a laser for 45 seconds while smelling your own eyeball flesh burning?  Really?  Me too!

I officially went under the knife.  Well, actually there was no knife, only lasers.  I got LASIK.  Now, I'm invincible.  Well, maybe that's a little far, but it is cool to wake up in the middle of the night and be able to read the alarm clock.  But I'm sure you're wondering what LASIK is all about, lets go on a journey together to make you less dumb.  But, let me make it sound waaay scarier than it is so that you think I'm a stud.

First, a bunch of drops are put in your eyes so that you can't feel anything.  These drops burn.  Suck it up and quit whining.  This will be the total of your anesthesia for the procedure.  Thus, I suggest you make sure those drops get in, otherwise the whole laser in the eyes thing might sting a bit.

The doctor then puts super-mega-suction cups on your eye so that it stays in place.  This may seem trivial, but it is the reason that I have two horrible subconjunctival hematomas on my eyes even 10 days after the procedure.

    I should have clicked on red-eye reduction...


Then, they make a flap in your outer eyeball with a laser.  Think of it as a trap-door on the surface of your eye that they flip open to get the next laser better access.  They make a large "C" on your eye and literally flip that flap to the side.  Mmm, tasty.

Next, they ZAP the be-juju-bees out of your eye.  You are supposed to stare at a red dot while they are doing this, but they just cut open a friggin' eyeball flap so you really can't see a darn thing anyways.  The opthomologist will calmly reassure you that the burning eye smell will go away with time and that everything is going great.  Just keep staring at the giant red blur, er, I mean the small red dot.  Don't worry about the fact that if you glance even one millimeter to either side you will surely be blinded forever.  Fortunately they have the super-suction to prevent you from looking around.

Now, for  a split second, you can actually see a clear, tiny red dot, which is cool.

Then they repeat the process for the other eye.

Then you leave and the doc looks at your eyes under a scope to be sure he didn't just accidentally make eyeball pudding.

Then you go home and sleep for 4 hours, crying like a little girl.  There is a slight burning pain, but mostly you cry since your eyes just got cut open and that's the normal response.

Now you go back to the doctor.

Guess what... at that 4 hour later appointment my eyes were 20/20.  Cool.

The only part that was slightly less cool was wearing sunglasses the entire next day at work.  Also, they have a guard you wear at night (also glasses).  So I got this procedure to get rid of glasses, and now I have to wear EXTRA-DORKY glasses to remind me why I got it done in the first place.

Swine flu.  Who wants to hear me whine.  I don't care.  I'm whining anyways.

Heard about it?

Ever been an ER doctor when these something like this comes out?

Emergency rooms all over the country are shutting down because people are coming in with sore throat and sniffles instead of doing what they would normally do which is stay home, drink fluids and sleep.  Not only that, but everyone is in such an uproar about it that personnel in the ER have to wear giant Hazmat suits just to see patients.

Fortunately for you, I found the ultimate source of the swine flu and I have begun the eradication process...

Don't use any tissue-paper dispensed by pigs, just to be safe.

 

Please Stay Away From the Swine Flu! 

My beautiful 9 day old daughter will look up at me with what I can only hope is love and adoration while I feed her and she takes a dump right in my arms.

This is fatherdom.  You just don't care about the little things, like getting any sleep anymore.  OK, that's a lie.  I still want sleep.  Badly.  But priorities have been adjusted so rapidly and so drastically that I hardly remember how life was just a mere 11 days ago. 

All the other parents keep telling me that this is the most wonderful, magical, and greatest thing anyone can do with their lives.  I am sure with time I will agree, though now my wife and I are so sleep deprived it seems almost inhumane. 

One of our friends, Hoosh, stated that "it borders on torture.  Waking up every hour to either, feed, change, console, or just responding to a cry that quickly goes away." 

Today, my wife let me sleep in... I got to sleep at 5am and slept till 10:30.  I woke up and felt great.  So weird, since I usually would try to get a solid eight hours.  She on the other hand is currently passed out on the couch.  Though she says she is better prepared for this, since she has had interrupted sleep for the last three months or so with pregnancy. 

She also has started pumping breast milk.  We received the lectures in the hospital by the nursing Nazis who informed us that if we did not breastfeed our child would most likely grow into a serial killer by the age of 9.  That is, of course, if our child did not spontaneously combust which also comes from not breastfeeding.  Now she has brestfed for several days, and Samantha has started drinking more, she has to pump all the time.

My wife summed it up best: "moo."

Parents/family has come regularly dropping off food/support, which is awesome.

Currently on the TV?  Classical music lite.  Sweet.  Great.  I was hoping to bone up on Salieri's Ericlito E Democrito/Overture.  Our house looks like a Babies R Us threw up all over the place.  But, life is sweet, since I have this to keep me going:

The ping pong champion was not me, I'm sorry to say.  I'm pretty good, but just not good enough.

In other news.  My daughter is being VERY disobedient by not being born yet.  I figured by now I would already be a pro at changing diapers and feeding and all that.  Unfortunately, she has decided that her liquid goo phase of incubation must last the full 40 weeks.  What a lazy baby.  When she gets out of there, she is Soooo grounded!

To my wife's credit, she has tried every possible way to induce labor... except for inducing labor.  Our sister in law is a OB nurse where she is planning to deliver.  She was on vacation and came back today.  She "gave" her permission for us to have it tonight.  So help me if we do have it tonight, they are both going to be grounded.

We also have received many helpful books and advice from our friends.  One of our friends gave us a book on what to do and what not to do...  here are a few examples

I am relatively positive I know this guy from work...
 
I've heard a dry baby is a happy baby...