May 24, 2010
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Crazy Bait
I really do love the other docs I work with in the ER. Except Tom, he leaves crazy bait.
I am becoming more and more suspicious that right before my shift, my partners are leaving out steaming hot piles of “crazy bait.” I don’t really know what crazy bait is made of, but I do know it works. I think it is made of one part schizophrenia, one part full moon, and a heaping pile of alcohol. You add a dash of non-compliance and stir in generous dash of stupid, and there you have it… Crazy bait.
This bait works. It works well.
“Examples! We want examples!” I can hear you say through your foamy-mouthed cheezy-fingered caffeine-induced frenzy. Not a problem.
<the following have been edited… slightly, to protect the stupid (er, I mean innocent)>
1. Love: A guy gets in an argument with his wife. They fight for a while, and like any good married couple, they decide to go after each other with screw drivers. She manages to stab him in his side with a screw driver. Then they have dinner. He’s still bleeding. Then (still bleeding) he decides to drive his wife to her mothers house. In transit, they get in another argument. She gets angry about argument #2 and at a stoplight pulls out the keys of the car (he’s driving) and runs away. He’s now stranded, bleeding at a stoplight in a car without keys. Thus, comes to the ER by ambulance.
2. Critter: Cute 6 year old boy sees a tragedy. A cat caught a small possum and was chewing on the creatures face and back for a little while. Acting as a hero he rescues the dying creature from the cat and tries to help the injured animal. He gets bit. So now what is the logical next step? Come to the ER to get checked out… and bring the nearly dead pissed off animal with you of course! Child=fine. Creature=not going to make it. Now what do you do? It wouldn’t fit into the sharps drawer either…
3. Wizard: 40 year old guy (though he looks about 80) comes in brought in by “friend.” Apparently his friend could not wake him up for two hours so he brought him to the ER. I find this shocking since we can’t get this guy to shut up. He is screaming at the top of his lungs that he’s a math wizard and everyone’s an idiot but him. Did I mention he drinks seven or eight 40oz beers a day. A DAY. Let me help you with the quick math… one gallon is 128 oz. he drinks 280-320 oz of beer a day. That’s at least two gallons of beer a day. Then he started screaming WHAT’S THE SQUARE ROOT OF 37! YOU DON’T KNOW! I admitted I didn’t know. Then he wanted to fight everyone and stood up to attack. That was the part of the show where he got put in restraints and was given happy juice to prevent him from attacking everyone in the ER. If only I would have known it was 6.08276
4. Bad-ass biker guy with tatoos who just happens to be wearing pink lacy underwear. No explanation needed.
5. I’m good here. A normal (seeming) lady who had just come from the bathroom who said she couldn’t go. So, about 3 minutes later said she feels more relaxed. Thus she decided to just pee all over the bed and herself. Is that weird? I think that’s weird. Also weird is not mentioning the fact that she just pissed all over herself for about an hour then acting like it’s no big deal.
So I’m not sure which of my partners is leaving out the crazy bait (Tom, I’m looking at you) before my shifts, but it seems to be working. I suppose honorable mention could go to the guy who took an ax to the face, but actually that guy was really nice.
I love my job.
Comments (20)
Sounds like you work with some fun people!
I could never work in the ER. My tolerance for “crazy” is low.
I use crazy repellent but it’s only legal to use at home. My bat, hammer, shotgun and the evil sneer on my face usually keeps crazies away.
Working in the emergency dept. must be like being in a nuthouse sometimes.
I was just talking about some of the new security here in ours. If anyone swears, threatens, physically assaults staff – they can call security immediately with a sort of panic button now they wear now. There are cameras everywhere being monitored, thery have a zero tolerance for any kind of abuse. Even if you swear or curse at a nurse, you’re going to be arrested and charged.
God bless you man, I sure as hell couldn’t do what you do.
Say, do you have a number for the screwdriver chick?
@ItsWhatEyeKnow - Hey, it makes for good stories, right?
@Irish_Russian - I work with great people… it’s just certain patients that make the work… interesting
@dikdoktor - swears and threats are there day to day… actual assaults are a bit more rare. Yeah, I have a zero tolerance for any of that. If a patient exudes a whiff of threatening behavior towards staff it’s time to call the brute squad.
@Bricker59 - lol! Yeah, she’s a real catch, that one. Nothing says love in a relationship like a quick knife-fight. It’s like some sort of sadistic emo-love, “I love you so much I make you bleed!”
@slicy - ”interesting” lol, ok, if that’s what yo uwant to call it
You’re making me miss the days of working in emergency mental health! It was fun! People are so amazingly fucked up in so many different ways! It’s better than any movie…it was never boring!
Since that’s what the place was designed for, we always knew we were gonna get ‘crazy’ people in every way, shape and form. The people NEVER lets us down!
happy juice? I’d be more like “put the violent drunk guy in restraints.”
@Irish_Russian - hey, where ya been?
Awesome.
LOL, so kind of like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m64cy1MMPg
@And_I_love - Heh, yeah… the restraints are first always… it makes the administration of sleepytime much easier.
LMAO At bringing in the nearly dead animals. Wow…
hahaha i liked the wizard story… except you left out the root in square root
You have the best work stories. Please keep them coming. I adore them.
@DiaryOfAPsychopath - Yeah, seriously, who brings half dead stuff (other than people) to the ER?
@ch4n2o - Oops, didn’t see that! Thx for that, I fixed it
@haloed - These are just the tip of the iceburg… I’ve started writing them down though, so likely more will be coming soon
@slicy - I’m so excited, haha
I would imagine some vets get brought half dead stuff… LOL
Awww, you are making me miss the dark side.
I am glad you are writing down these stories, I really wish I had. At the time you think you will never forget but you do, unless something happens to jog the memory.
In the Chicago bus depot in 1982, I met the guy who wrote the Beatles songs. They were stolen by the cop next door, who recorded him through the wall as he sang, and disseminated the tapes. He also wrote Abba’s songs on a trip to Sweden. Stole an English-Swedish dictionary to create the Swedish versions.
A friend of mine who worked at the FBI had a guy come in asking for a new badge and a copy of the tape of his resurrection. My friend was able to tell him he didn’t have the security level to get into those files…