So we did a thing called “Trunk or Treat” this year where a group of people pull all their cars in a line and kids can go from car to car in the lot and do rapid pre-Halloween Trick or Treating.

 

My daughter went as a black “Kitty-girl,” my niece went as Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty), and my nephew went as Spiderman.

Got to the endearing 77 year old who likes to compliment all the kids on their costumes…

 

Her:  Oh what an adorable little puppy

Me: Actually she’s a-

Her: And look, here’s Cinderella

Me: Well, she’s really

Her: Oh, and look out, it’s Batman.

Me: Yes, they really do look nice.

 

0 for 3, but at least she’s handing out candy.

We also went to our yearly party.  I dressed up as Zippers the Zombie Machine.  Kind of a Terminatoresque zombie who has his outer flesh later peeled off.  These are 3 (different, believe it or not) pics of the costume (note the glowing gears for heart on the first  )

This costume took me several hours to make (spirit gum, liquid latex, painting/make up and detail work), yet, like an idiot, I didn’t get any pictures till much later in the night, ah well.  Still was an awesome party and great fun for all!

 

     

So this happened.

 

Me: So whats going on

Her:  (points at mom) That Chupacabra is trying to suck it out of me

Mom: No I ain’t

Her: Really, that Chupacabra tried to get my blood

Mom: I don’t know, this is why we’re here.

Her:  And then it doesn’t even go there!

Me: What doesn’t go where?

Mom: You said it goes where, hun?

Her: And I can’t sleep.

Mom: She can’t sleep.

Her: But I can sleep sometimes.

Me:  What?  So which is it?

Her: Well, I learned to shrink my soul into a watermelon seed and then I put it in my pocket and then I can sleep.

Me: OK, well, that’s enough for me (out the door I go to try to figure out what just happened)

 

 

I meet such interesting people at work, I really do.

Also, if you type Chupacabra, it auto-corrects to Abracadabra, which is also kinda cool.  I’m going with puppy and kitty themes for the pics today.

 

  

OK, I must admit it, I sometimes try to gross people out.

 

Now, similar to that scene from White Men Can’t Jump where Woody Harrelson argues with Wesley Snipes that part of the reason he likes demeaning other players is that when it is done to him, he only plays basketball better, I find that whenever someone tries to gross me out I just bring it up and gross them out right back followed by writing ridiculously long run-on sentences that most likely some people never finish due to the fact that funny pictures are just a mouse scroll away.

Let me refocus.

Certain words make people feel awkward for whatever reason.  I know people that hate the word moist.  It just irks them for some reason.  Others despise bulgy, or tromboner, whatever.  I’m fine with just about anything.

 

So during my last night shift I saw many many people.  It was just a crazy busy night.  That was not the weird part.  The weird part was that all of my patients had 1 of 2 complaints.  

Complaint #1:  I am drunk and depressed.

Complaint #2: My vagina has something coming out of it that I don’t think should (so I’m in the ER at 3am even though it’s been going on 3 weeks)

(Complaint #3: Both 1 and 2)

 

One of my lovely nurses introduced me to a new term she learned while interviewing a patient and her mother.

 

Nurse:  So ma’am, it says here that you are having malodorous vaginal discharge.

Patient: <blank, confused stare>

Nurse:  Is this true?  Are you?

Patient: <deer in headlights, looks over to mom for help>

Nurse (looks at mom)

Mom: She’s askin’ you if you’re CREAMIN’

Patient: Oh.  Yes.

 

Yeah.  That’s right.  You’re creamin’.  

 

I’m just waiting to use this casually with my friends.

 

 

 

 

Oh, I found this. Yes, I truly would hate it if my patients stopped showing up when they are creamin’… wait, no, no I wouldn’t.

 

 

Yes, this is exactly what we see when we do a pelvic exam.