July 17, 2012
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How to not get shot
When first you taste the sweet fruit of insanity, you may never want an apple again.
I have taken care of quite a few people lately that have received penetrating trauma. No, I am not referring to people who are experimenting after reading 50 shades of Gray.
It seems that with the heatwave in the midwest, the only activity that can really get people cooled off is shooting and stabbing one another. They have been of various races, ages, and backgrounds (though all have been male).
Now, if you have ever worked in an ER, you know a few irrevocable facts. By using these facts, you can prevent yourself from being shot or stabbed, or at least decrease the chance.
1. Never, EVER, mind your own business.
Now I know this sounds counter intuitive, but just ask any single person who just got shot or stabbed what happened. They ALL answer the same thing. Every single time they respond “I was minding my own business when I got shot!” This is not a new story. This is the same story. Every single person who gets shot is minding their own business.
My suggestion is to really get into everyone else’s business. Not a single person has said to me “I was up in someones face doing something I shouldn’t have been doing.” So, get in people’s business. What are those people over there doing? GO FIND OUT, get in there. As soon as you start minding your own business, you better look out.
2. Look out for two dudes.
These two dudes get around. I am relatively sure they are shapeshifters of some kind, since not a single person is able to describe what they look like. They have no color, they are guys though. They have no ethnicity, they are just two dudes. If you see two dudes, especially if you are minding your own business, get the hell out of there!
3. Don’t do nuthin’.
This is a dangerous activity. I’m sorry, but if you don’t do anything, somehow this attracts people with guns. For some reason, as soon as you do nothing, people want to shoot you. If you find yourself in a situation where you would describe it as “I wasn’t doing nuthin’” you are likely already in the cross hairs.
4. Never use your porch for anything ever.
This is simple but powerful advice. Some people think dangerous things happen in the kitchen. These people, of course, are idiots. Most of my gunshot victims come in saying “I was on my porch minding my own business and two dudes shot me!” Thus, just stay off the porch. I’m pretty sure the two dudes patrol neighborhoods just looking for people on their porches.
5. If you see any of the following, it’s time to move quickly
Comments (9)
Soon to be affixed to all new porches: ”Surgeon General’s Warning: Minding your own business and doing nothing on this porch while in the presence of two dudes is hazardous to your health.”
“This porch is known by the state of California to cause injury by stabbing or gunshot when being used for minding one’s own business and not doing nothing while two dudes are within eyeshot.”
I say again…I don’t know how you do, what you do.
But I’m glad you do.
Excellent post man.
Thanks for the warning. I’ve been doing it all wrong.
@Roadkill_Spatula - But the sign would have to be on every house.
@Bricker59 - It can be fun at times, if you enjoy a unique degree of chaos
@Erika_Steele - No problem, be sure to get in everyone else’s business
well….I think I’ll just avoid guys of all kinds…I really need my porch time
also I haven’t read 50 shades of gray and now I probably won’t because I hear there are a couple of guys in it…I even had to google magic mike, all my friends keep saying I’m going to see magic mike and I thought he was a really fast moving magician or something…I’m not going to see him either, I bet a couple of stripper guys would be the worst kinda couple of guys!
There’s nothing like some high powered ventilation to liven things up a bit.
I mind my own business.
I never get involved.
I walk around the neighborhood.
I am almost 79.
Your articles are purely enough for me.
shootingtargets7
Your articles make complete sense out of each topic.
Rifle scabbard