February 22, 2010
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Parenting in the ER
I try not to worry. I know that worrying really accomplishes nothing, but sometimes it seems almost human nature to be preoccupied with thoughts about the “what ifs.”
I worried about becoming a father. I knew in my heart I would be up for the task, but I needed some reassurance. Fortunately, as predictable as urinary incontinence on Friday night from our regular drunks, that reassurance came from the ER.
First, an aside. Steven King wrote a book called On Writing. In this book, he encouraged all people who wanted to write to read, read, and read some more. In doing so, you would not only become aware of the skill of published authors out there, but also encouraged by the deluge of crappy ones as well. Horrible writers are everywhere, just start reading a lot and you will surely find them. Hey, you found one right now!
Ahem, back to the story.
So in the ER parents bring in their children with great regularity. Many children have a viral syndromes.
Not that big of a deal, I would rather parents come to the ER if they have concerns.
But… um… I kind of wish I did not have to see their parenting skills. Example one, parents with 5 month old child who is short of breath. Both parents smoked. Constantly. I’m not sure if that bothered me as much as the fact that the Child had two fistfuls of Doritos in hand. Doritos. 5 months. Doritos. 5 months. I mean at least grind it into small bits and mix it with breast milk. Then, please stop blowing smoke in your baby’s face, at least until it catches its breath.
Though I think watching mom in the room with her little 11 month old upset me more. She sat on the bed and watched TV while the small child crawled all over the ER floor with bare feet and got into everything. I WORK in the ER and I try never to touch the floor even with my shoes. Name a bodily fluid, ANY bodily fluid, and it has been on the floor in the ER. Gross. I have learned to levitate from room to room as much as possible, but mom just watched as jr. happily became coated with every disease he could possibly find. Yes, we tried to educate mom. “Hey! That’s gross, don’t let him do that on the floor!” But, to her credit, Police Academy 4 was on Comedy Central and she had only seen it three times before.
Oh, and don’t get me started on the 17 year-old that was on her 4th pregnancy. Yes, I understand that anyone can become pregnant in their teens. But… you know, after the first or maybe second time, you think they would catch on to how the baby got there in the first place. Though I did meet a 22 year old on her 8th pregnancy. Say what you will about abortion, it shouldn’t be a method of birth control time and time and time again. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be happy for her or to cry.
So, I figure if parents can come from such a wide variety of backgrounds… well then, to heck with it, I’ll manage to raise a some-what well adjusted member of society.
Now how old does your child have to be before you can tell them to get you beer?
Comments (15)
6 months to buy beer. 4 months down for me, two to go.
UUUUUGH! You want to just slap them sensible. Smoking around children is disgusting enough. Smoking while pregnant is inexcusable. As are the other atrocities.
Great post. Made me laugh in spite of the subject matter!
I have dear friends who can’t have kids.What you described infuriates me.
God bless you my friend, because I sure couldn’t do what you do.I’d want to kill them.
How’s your baby?
This had me laughing. I’m not a parent yet, but when I am I’ll try and remember to mix the doritos with breast milk!
You are an excellent daddy! And I would think as soon as he/she could open the fridge by themselves. First start with having them get you the remote.
People are becoming even more stupid as we speak. If we had less technology – actually had to work to do things, I’m sure people would be a lot healthier.
Everything is done for us these days.
NO wonder I want to go back to the mountains and live off of the land
As a mom who has spent enough time in the ER, I cried so many don’t have a clue.
As to your parenting skills, my sister offered her children college or therapy — I am wondering what will cost me more six children times 4 years of college or decades of therapy.
oh my
I do wonder if maybe there should be some kind of basic competency test before you’re allowed to procreate… I don’t work in an ER; and I see this kind of thing every day too. I’m especially fond (sarcasm) of the ones who simply abscond from parenting when their kids become teens–they just throw up their hands and stop trying. Wow. So, if they’re cute and/or smaller than you, you can handle it; but if it gets too hard, you just quit?
Better to start with the beer-fetching in the womb. Loudly command your wife to fetch you a cold one, so the infant is exposed at a young age to such commands. It helps if she talks to the baby while going about it, by saying things like “now mommy is going to open the door, and look, she takes the coldest one from the back and moves the rest so they’ll be cold next time.”
@ItsWhatEyeKnow - Yeah, I WANT to snatch the whole bag of Doritos out of their fat hands and throw it in the trash, but unfortunately I have to be somewhat PC in the ER so instead I just cry on the inside.
@Bricker59 - Yeah, it’s quite frustrating to see intelligent, dedicated people who can’t have children and then come across idiots who just “can’t stop accidentally gettin’ preggo.” On a lighter note, my little girl is now 10 months and so freaking cute she should have her own show. She giggles like crazy over pretty much anything. I’m going to be such a softie (aaaw, honey, do you want a pony, here, have two).
@BecknCallGrl - Breastmilk also goes great with cheetos, and don’t forget about the morning esspresso. It really helps keep your 11 month old awake
@storyslut - Funny you should mention the remote. Our little girl LOVES to chew on the remote non-stop. I don’t know why, but it seems to be her favorite toy. My wife thought it was funny one day to come into the room and see her and I watching QVC while they sold horrible gaudy jewelry (my daughter chewed her way to the channel).
@dikdoktor - Yeah I agree. Our kids have so much handed to them, I’m worried about the future work ethic. Fortunately, once she turns 5 I’m going to have her start working one shift a week in the neighborhood coal mine, you know, just to learn what its like.
@ugotafriend - College, definately 6x4years in collage. Therapy? Once they’re all done you won’t have enough of a mind left to go through therapy
@Shirlann - Yeah! Totally! I figure, we could sterilize all kids when they turn 5 years old. Then, after they pass the parenting exams, and they also apply for a child permit (once they turn 21 at the earliest) then, and only then, would they be allowed to have the sterilization reversed. Hmm… somehow I don’t think this’ll get through the House or Senate.
@Belegost_the_Naugrim - Hah! I’m already behind! She’s 10 months now, hopefully I’m not too late. My brother calls his Miller Lights “daddy pops.” Perhaps I should adopt some similarly cute saying for them. “See how mommy get’s a daddy pop?” Somehow, I just don’t think this’ll fly. I can feel my wife getting angry somewhere with me just thinking about it.
eek
Just stopping by. Loved the post. I work at a domestic violence shelter for women and children. We spend TONS of time teaching parenting! Some of it has to do with repeating what was done to them, and then some of it is just plain old laziness. I wish you could tell people “if you don’t want to do the work, don’t have kids”. Wait, maybe I did tell some people that . . . lol
@bethro78 - Hah, “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” so to speak? Yeah, education is key… paramount. Unfortunately it seems that not enough education on the matter is getting around, keep up the good work!