August 9, 2008
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Rockstar
My job pays for my food and drink while at work.
That is lovely, just lovely.
Thus I have gotten in the habit of purchasing and experimenting with things that I haven’t ever had before. Thus, I am now, almost every single time I work, getting one of these:
Let’s go over the nutritional value of said drink, shall we?
Here’s the ingredients:Glucose, Citric Acid, Taurine, Natural and
Artificial Flavors, Sodium Citrate, Caffeine, Benzoic
Acid, Sorbic Acid, L-Carnitine, Inositol, Niacinamide, Calcium,
Pantothenate, Milk Thistle Extract, Gingko, Biloba Leaf Extract,
Guarana Seed Extract, Riboflavin, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride,
Cyanocobolamin.I know! Finally I can get 100% of my much needed Milk Thisle and Cyanocobolamin at the same time!
It has the important ingredient (caffeine) in high quantities, so it does it’s job and tastes better than chugging 4 Mountain Dews, so that’s good. One ingredient that I think they forgot to list though, is lasix. That’s right, theres a fair amount of diuretic in every can. I’m sure on this. How do I know?
Well, 30 min after drinking a can of the stuff, I will have to pee. I’m not talking about the typical “ooh, me thinky I gots to tinky” kinda pee. This is a full blown bladder-busting auto-flushing high-water-pressured typhoon strength piss of champions.
As I’m sure you know, I love a good pee. There’s nothing so nice as one of the simple pleasures of a fantastic and satisfying pee. Ask any guy, he’ll agree. Thus, I keep on drinking them to keep the flow strong. However, I think they could also market the stuff to people who really need to pee more than I do.
ME: Hi there Mr. OLDenburg, I hear your prostate is the size of a small watermelon
Oldie: Yah young shnazzle-puss, helps out me nickers in my stream is fozzled.
ME: I don’t know what that means, but here, drink this
Oldie: <glug-glug-glug> aaaah.
ME: wait for it…
wait for it…
wait for it…
Oldie: OH! OOOH! I’m pissin’ like a 40 year old!
ME: Woohoo! Success! Old pee everywhere!Man, I’ve had a lot of post lately about pee. Well, you know what they say. Write what you know… write what you know.
Comments (6)
haha! this was great, thank you for a funny end to my LONG day!
Rockstar works miracles.
I will drink 1/3 of a “full throtle” in the morning to open my eyes. If I drank the whole can I would probably die from a heart attack. From so many years of shift work rotations, I seem to need stimulants to tell my body it is morning and I don’t like coffee.
Oh Rockstar. I love it, I really do.
But for some reason, it causes the exact opposite effects to occur in my body. I get all sleepy and what not. It’s like the “crash” after an energy drink “high,” except that my body skips the whole “high” part.
You do a lot of medically-related things, right? Tell me, am I just weird, or is this my body’s sad excuse for a super power?
@InkBlotBlog - Well, being both a doctor and an expert on superpowers I would say yes.
I have long stated my belief that all people have super-powers, no matter how droll. It seems that you have discovered something here. However, I don’t know if I would count this as your super-power. I think that this may be your own personal kryptonite. The dialog would go something like this:
Henchman: “Oh no, evil master Blundschlaak, it’s InkBlot here to ruin your plans!”
EMB: “Never fear, I have some Rockstar that will subdue him into a helpless sleeping blob. Muahahaha!”
Something like that. Thus, you have discovered not your superpower, but your weakness. That’s almost as good. Use this knowledge wisely, I personally will not tell a soul (as long as the checks keep coming)
Funny!!! I gotta try this sometime. Although I don’t think my husband will agree that any drink can eclipse his favorite Mountain Dew.
InkBlot, any caffeine-containing drink (like coffee) may down you first before the high kicks in. That’s normal, methinks. I get the same thing.