* * * "This is Paramedic741, we have a multiple stabbing victim coming in, be there in less than 2 minutes" * * * *
Sorry to interrupt you sir, but you are in the Emergency Room right now. Yes I do realize that it is probably a VERY important cell phone call that you are having right now. I am sure that your girlfriend wants to know what the inside of the ambulance looks like, and also that some idiot doctor really is pestering you right now.
I apologize for my irrational behavior, but could you please at least let me know how many times you were stabbed? Oh, it was five times? Ok, thank you. Please continue with your important call, I will patiently wait while you continue to bleed all over the floor. I am sure discussing which bars you went to last night is infinitely more important than finding out if any vital organs were sliced open. You're right, I am being a prick for interrupting you.
Yipes! Yes, you are right. It is completely Fu*#(@&* malpractice for us to try to put an IV in you. We would not want to accidentally give you some IV fluid and maybe give you life-saving medication. Yes, please continue to test message all of your friends instead of answering any of our questions. I understand, you have a very busy life, and at 3:50am many people want to be woken up so they can get that important information.
Interesting perspective. Though I don't agree that the nurse is a F*$@ing B*#%, thank you for screaming it at the top of your lungs. I'm sure the family with the sick children next door appreciate your perspective. These new people are from the surgery team, they have to evaluate you as well. No, I'm sure they won't interupt your busy schedule of swearing, peeing on the floor (despite the urinal literally 5 inches from your hand) and texting on your phone.
Sir! SIR! Please refrain from taking a swing at our staff. Though you were no where close to hitting them, likely since you are amazingly drunk and uncoordinated, we try to refrain from punching people in here. Thank you.
No. I actually think that leaving the ER right now to go outside and have a cigarrette is a bad idea. Sometimes, when people get stabbed several times, that is actually a bad thing. Yes, I know, I am a stuck up F*#@. I do have crazy demands. Again sorry for the inconvienience. We would like to run a few tests though. Yes, I know that you ARE SURE nothing is wrong.
Oh, guess what. Somehow, despite your extensive medical training, you were actually wrong. It turns out that you actually do have serious medical problems after being stabbed multiple times. What's that? Ah, I see. Yes, you are right, I just ran all of those test since I am greedy. Even though you informed me several times that you are not going to pay for any of this Sh*#, and I am sure you won't, that is my main reason for ordering all of the test. By some weird cooincidence we managed to keep you alive and find serious problems though.
You are going to have to be admitted to the hospital overnight. Yes, we are all F&#*ing A&&holes. It is unreasonable for us to admit you to the hospital and not let you smoke while you are on oxygen and not let you go back to the bars draging your intestines behind you. No, we don't let you drink vodka in the hospital. We're kind of jerks that way.
Sorry for the inconvienience.
Comments (21)
That was you??? Oh wow man, I'm really sorry. I'm still not paying for the tests though.
Of all the unmitigated gall!
You should be fired!
And you will be sued....by my heirs!
lol
God is Great, Beer is Good AND People are Crazy! ha.
It's a good thing I don't have your job. I would have strangled him or rubbed salt in his eyes.
@Bricker59 - Heh, I actually did laugh out loud to your response :).
@Irish_Russian - The scary thing is that docs have been sued over stuff like this...
@Cynsjrl - Amen
@dikdoktor - Yeah. I try to remind myself that I am usually seeing people on what may likely be the worst day of their life. That being said, I know if I was in the same situation, I would definitely behave differently...
@slicy - too bad you couldn't just let this guy have his (last) vodka and cigarette.
Great post :D I love medical stuff, especially idiot people who sometimes, should be left to bleed out :P
Lol, wow.
Is this for real? Well, look what I'm asking!! Of course it is. There is no shortage of insane assholes in this world. Yikes.
OH. My. Gosh.
That trip to the hospital and the ER should have been taped and sent in to America's Funniest Home Video's Let all of his peeps see how retarded he was.
@haloed - Ah the Hippocratic Oath. How wise were they to make sure we "do no harm."
@hecticmuse - Yeah. It has been slightly altered to protect the moronic, but other than a few switches...
@dikdoktor - No can do. HIPPA laws forbid any such activity. Any of these tales that I tell have to be altered so that it completely protects those I speak about. though I have had MANY people who refuse to hang up their cell phones. So frustrating... What does the E in ER stand for again? I'm pretty sure it's not email...
@slicy - You're a class act. Glad I saw you here today. I am one person that does really, really appreciate what you do. Just having a little fun with this post. I was in hospital 9 1/2 months, in a coma for 10 weeks, almost croaked 7 times. The DNR was signed by family and ---- funeral plans made. You guys do an amazing job and this drunk dork giving you a hard time is pretty sad. He's lucky he had someone so dedicated looking after him.
Don't you have a special ward where you keep ass-hats like that, where you just let them kill themselves?
You sir, have a strange quality that some people refer to as "patience."
Honestly though, I hold an enormous amount of respect for you.
You're kinda like a superhero.
Seriously.
He is the guy they invented the word "fucktard" for!
And I agree with above, you are a superhero.
Wow, dude, you'll make great dad (if you're not one already) if you can be calm with people to tat degree.
@Belegost_the_Naugrim - Heh, I wish we had a special ward for people like that. We do have to restrain people from time to time, but just being an idiot doesn't qualify for that...
@InkBlotBlog - hah, thx for the compliment, but I think it takes more than patience to qualify for superhero status...
@storyslut - I might add "patience for patients" to my superhero card, we'll see
@Dare2BDiferentt - Just became a dad. I think being a dad/mom takes more than tolerating this guy. I can at least walk away from this guy when he is crying.
Wow-o-wow.
Dealing with the public sucks in every occupation, amIright? ;)
reminds me of the reasons why i wanted to be a doctor.
Dear Slicy,
I'm going over my comments and noticed that you visited my blog and left a comment on my June 16th entry, so first of all thank you for the visit and the comment.
This is a hilarous recounting of what must be a really harrowing job in actuality.
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool