For a while I have been trying to explain what a baby is like. Other people have described
having one a form of brainwashing. You wake up at random intervals repeatedly to perform trivial tasks. Or, actually, sometimes to perform no task at all. Sometimes you get to sleep 3 hours, sometimes 20 minutes. There is no way to tell. If you don't get up the punishment will be swift and severe. Not only that, but it's only going to prolong your agony and increase the time that you must stay awake and miserable.
Want to have a kid yet?
On the plus side, the kid grows out of this stage, and I am quite pleased to announce that Sam has actually slept for over 4 hours straight. This may not sound like much to you without children, but those of you with children I can feel you nodding your heads to my weary triumph.
Also on the plus side, when your little peanut smiles at you, it makes it all worth it. At least that's what I keep telling myself over and over.
Back to the point at hand. I was trying to figure out what a baby is like. I am somewhat surprised it took me this long, but after a quick discussion with my friend, we'll call him Superman, I realize that babies are just like the amazingly drunk people. Let's take a look at the facts.
WHY BABIES ARE LIKE DRUNKS.1. Both babies and drunks will puke anywhere, including on you. Both of them will do so with a smile and without an apology.
2. Both are needy. They are certain, without a single doubt, that they are the most important creature that has ever been put on the earth. They know what they want (baby = milk! Drunk = Booze/sammich!) and they want it now!
3. Both will pee at any given time, even if they have just peed 3 minutes ago. Also, they have no problem peeing on the floor, even if you leave a perfectly good container right next to them.
4. They speak the exact same language. Truth be told the drunks are much more long-winded, but it
is the same language. (Me: Good morning Sam! Her: blblblaah! Ah-gah! Ble-ble-ble. And when I speak to my daughter it is nearly the same)
5. They can both poop everywhere, which may shock and disgust you, but you still have to deal with it.
6. All you want to do is keep them quiet, and you will do just about anything to make it happen.
7. They are incredibly unstable on their feet, while at the same time seem to seek out dangerous places to hurt themselves.
8. Screams at maximum volume despite social situation.
9. If either gets even a slight bump on the head, you get worried that they might have an intracranial bleed.
10. They will both cry. For no reason.
Though, to my baby's credit, she does smell much better than any of the drunks I have taken care of. Even during a dirty diaper change. However, I'm told this changes when we start adding solid food. Thus, she gets breast milk till she's potty trained.
Comments (11)
Those pictures are too much! I remember my nephew's solid food stage. The more I would complain while changing his diaper, the harder he would laugh
ha. funny. i sort of remember how that all was...
They can be hours of entertainment fun, but the sleep deprivation is the motivating force. hehehe. I enjoyed all three of my babies behavior. My husband drives a cab right now and he would agree with you, but maybe give a whole lot more credit to the baby.
those pics are just wrong, funny but wrong. I heard of babies being compared to a lot of stuff before but drunks? that a new combo. Makes a person glad their childfree it does.
I remember those days well.
And you are absolutely right!!!! LOLOL
Clever post!
This is actually pretty well to the point. Although I have to say that my little boy (one week old now) already (or maybe I should say so far) sleeps for about 4 hours. I keep on entertaining/feeding/changing him till one or two (or three...). He then just wakes up once at night before morning (also, so far, *knockonwood*) which means that his mom gets more sleep than I do haha.
I've only seen wino's loaded enough to act like babies. Wait a minute. I thought this was baby drunk wino's, nope. Babies are wino's. Nope. Wino's like babies. You tricked me!!! Give me a sammich and my bottle back.
Seriously though, fun post.
Thanks.
Haha. My friends and I always used to call my son a little drunkard or drunk baby when he first started walking. Cute post.
@storyslut - heh. I'm sure my little girls going to delight in peeing on me (sigh).
@Jaynebug - Yeah, the whole sleep deprivation thing is a killer. My wife's getting about 4 hours a night. For 1 night, OK... but a week of that makes sanity go byebye
@bookaholix - Hmm, wondering if I could make it a repeating column... this week, my baby is like... (a cockroach? garbageman? roller-coaster? etc)
@Bricker59 - A drunk baby is a happy baby, right?
@Iassi - I'm dreaming of the night for a single wake up...
@dikdoktor - Yeah, seriously! I mean, I've had too many beers before as well, but I've never ended up in an ER for it. Even so, at what point do you just say, awwww to heck with it, I'm just going to pee on the floor.
@stefinini - Heh, the little drunkard that could. Maybe I should give mom a few glasses of wine... perhaps baby'll sleep through the night after that milk.
There can only be ONE drunkard in a relationship.
And since I have already decided that Sam will be dating our little lemon, Sam better get into rehab quick.