Recently one of the fine nurses I work with had a patient come in who was stoned off his rocker on crack.  

This is not unusual.  On any given day it is quite likely that the majority of my patients are either drunk, high, or psychotic.  Many are all three.  However, what made this unique was that she stated that she didn’t use any drugs at all.  Some people are pretty good at pretending they are not drunk or high.  However, this fine man was not of that caliber.  Also, she had more crack on her in the ER.  We’re not cops, so we don’t care all that much about what you do at home unless it starts making our lives difficult, then we care a whole lot. 

As it turned out, she also had a crack pipe on her, along with the extra crack.

How could this be possible.

Fortunately, she explained.

“Yeah, some guy made me do the crack and then put all that stuff in my pockets,” she said, as if this were the most logical explanation in the world.

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…” said the nurse, while using her saint-like patience not to throttle the patient.

So it turned out that our hero actually was on probation and didn’t want to be caught using illicit substances.  However, I’m sure any judge would wave such grievances since all of these drugs were forced on her by some random stranger.  I don’t know how many druggies you know, but most that I know love to give away their drugs to people for no reason.

Don’t you hate it when that happens?  Just walking down the street and some random guy forces you to do crack.  

Man I hate that.  I was going to go to Costco today, but now I have to get high and scream obscenities at squirrels for three hours.

Oh well “GET OFF MY LAWN YOU PUFFY TAILED RAT!”

 

Also, if you were wondering, these are the highlights if you goto google images with “Crack squirrel”

 

      

  

 

Woodland rodents need their fix too, don’t be so judgmental.

 

 

 

So I took care of this nice young woman the other day. She was pregnant and having pain, like many women have when they are pregnant.  I did some tests and she and her baby were fine.  Everything was going perfectly till her friend (I’m guessing 18 years old) started helping.

I fully encourage the asking of questions.  I think problems often arise, especially in medicine, when even the simple questions go unanswered.  Her friend mostly had comments.  I’ll name her Brittanee Barbie Bubblesworth, cause that seems about right.  Now remember, Brittanee was not even the patient, just a friend in the room.

 

Me (to the patient): “So take Tylenol for pain, since that’s pretty much the medicine of pregnancy”

BBB: “Um, you know, Tylenol really doesn’t do much for pain”

Me: “Yeah, she has no pain now, she’s doing fine, if she is hurting, she can take Tylenol.”

BBB: “Can she have Vicodin for pain? Cause my OB gave me Vicodin”

Me: “I’m not giving her Vicodin.  She has no pain.  She is feeling fine without complaint, I’m telling her that if she has pain, she can use Tylenol.”

BBB: “Well, Vicodin doesn’t even do anything for me anyways.

Me: “That’s great.  But she’s the patient, and she is fine.”

BBB: “I usually get something stronger.”

Me: (and this is society at its best)

 

I walk out of the room.  I find getting scolded by an entitled 18 year old somewhat irritating, especially over not prescribing Vicodin to her friend who has no pain.  I return a little later.

 

BBB (dramatic sigh): “Well, can I have something to drink?”

Me: “Sure, come with me.”

I took BBB out of her room, just across the hall is a water dispenser that  can be used by all.  I showed her how to use it and I handed her two cups.

BBB: “Wait, so you want ME to get the water?”

Me:  ”Yeah,” I said, and then walked away.

 

 

Now don’t get me wrong.  I’m not above getting water for my patients, especially if they are sick.  But, when you are a fully capable 18 year old, who isn’t a patient, somewhat arrogantly demanding Vicodin for your friend who has no pain, this gets a little irritating.  Needless to say, it was just another day in paradise.

 

Oh, that reminds me, she of course had a YOLO sticker or tattoo or wristband on.  ”YOLO” stands for “You Only Live Once.”  The thought behind this is that you should embrace life and live it to the fullest.  It essentially breaks down to carpe diem for really stupid people (thank you Jack Black).  Something like that.  

What YOLO actually turns out to mean is “Your Odorous Liquid Ooze.”  Which is their discharge after too many YOLO experiences.  You may only live once, but you can get Chlamydia lots and lots of times!