March 28, 2012

• Stop kissing pavement at high rates of speed!

  There are certain things in life that go up and down at very high rates of speed.  Sometimes these things make you nauseated and sometimes terrified, but often, you can enjoy them.  These things are called roller-coasters, and that is not what this entry is all about.

  This entry is about gravity.  I have made a breakthrough discovery which will likely change the world as we know it, and possibly save humankind.  You’re welcome.  Let me explain.

   

  For those of you who currently live on earth, or who have put down the meth long enough at least to visit for a bit, you likely know two things about gravity.

  1st factor: Gravity is directly proportional to the mass of an object.  Thus if we are on the moon, it has a much smaller mass, and Neil Armstrong can jump much farther and hit a golf ball 700 yards.

  2nd factor: Gravity is INVERSELY proportional to the distance of the objects squared.  Thus, as something gets farther away from the planet, the gravitational pull decreases quickly.

  These are facts based in science which you may or may not chose to believe.  If not, please test your own gravity theory by jumping off the nearest 50 story building and willing yourself to float around.  

  For many years, these two facts served as the basis for how gravity worked.  Some of the aggressively dorky in the class may point out the quantum theory of gravity as well, to which I say shut up, no one cares about graviton particles but you.  

  Back to my theory.

  Assuming point 1 and 2 above are true, there is also a third factor which can drastically effect the magnitude of gravity.  That, of course, is alcohol.

  You see, as one consumes alcohol, the power of gravity directly on the brain increases with every drink.  Now when I say gravity on the brain, I mean exactly that.  Though some so-called “doctors” might tell you that alcohol is absorbed in the GI system and acts as a central nervous system depressant.  This is of course idiocy.  Alcohol has multiple magical food demons that hide inside while you drink them and make you temporarily feel awesome, until they die, at which time you also feel like you wish you were draped over a boat and left to sea, or “hung-over.”

  The formula goes something like this:

  Gravity (3rd factor) = brain x (D x 10%) x (TT>5 + T<20)

  For every drink >1 that you consume, the earths gravitational pull on your brain increases by 10%.  Thus after a few drinks, you  might feel a little heavy, but, after 10 or more drinks, trying to keep your head from colliding with the pavement at exponentially increasing rates of speed becomes an impossibility.  Also, the TT>5 is the fact that for each tattoo on your body more than 5, added to the amount of Teeth you currently possess less than 20, can greatly increase your chances of having the gravity pull your face into the ground with drinking.

  I site exhibits a,b,c,d below as just a few examples of my theory.

  

  

  

  

   

  Have you ever had excessive gravity attack you before??

   

   

   

  • 1:01 am
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