March 4, 2012
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The perfect hiding place for a baby… your uterus
So this happened. I have heard of it happening to others, but for me, it was the first time.
Me: Here with abdominal pain and vaginal bleeding?
Her: Yes.
Me: Any chance you could be pregnant?
Her: No
Me: Last period?
Her: Two months ago
Me: And absolutely NO chance you could be pregnant
Her: No
Me: Gotcha. Ok
…Here’s where I do a physical exam on her. She is obese. She has a large mass in her abdomen about the size of a bowling ball…
Me: I’ll be right back
…I go get the bedside ultrasound. I come to her bedside. I get ready to put the ultrasound on her. She immediately gets out of bed…
Her: I have to go to the bathroom.
Me: Now?
Her: NOW!
Me: …?
…so on the way to the bathroom she tells me that not only is she pregnant, but nine months pregnant. However, she didn’t want the new boyfriend to find out. Read that last sentence again. Yeah. Um… About that…
Her: So I’m 9 months pregnant but don’t want him to find out
Me: You have to go to the OB floor NOW!
…Thus I explained how she was not going to slyly have her baby in the ER without her new boyfriend finding out. She could tell him whatever she wanted… but she is going to go upstairs.
Ah the sweet delicious drama. When I was younger I used to think that the people on Maury and Springer and shows like that were fake. No one could be that ridiculous, right. Those were the days of pure, happy naivete, and I miss them a little bit. Oh well, I have to get back to my drunk friend screaming “GLOCK 44! GLOCK 44! GLOCK 44! GLOOOOOOOOCK 44!”
I think I’m still an optimist… but slowly over time, I may also becoming a surrealist.
