July 16, 2008

• Babies and Writing

  My brother Chris and Laurie had a baby!!!

  His name is Noah and he’s supercute.

  This is normally the part of the program where I’d show you a picture of him, but since my parents don’t know how to use their camera, and my brother is allergic to the internet, I don’t have any pictures to show you, thus, I’ll try to find a similar picture of him online by googling “Noah awesome” … and here we go:

  Well, this is what I got
  
  
  DOUBLE CIRCLE OF FIRE WITH GROUND FIRE EXTRAS!!!!!  GO GOOGLE “NOAH AWESOME” YOURSELF TO SEE!!!!”

  Um, right.  Excellent.  On with the show.

  Recently, some random guy I’ve never met (see the link to Edieaeaeusie’s challenge here) threw down the challenge to write passionately endorsing something you are truly against.  I’ll never refuse a writing challenge, so here we go.

  Being an Overweight Smoker in American society, a sensitive view on a sensitive subject.

  I have been a fat smoker my whole life.  That is how I was born, that is how I grew up, and that is how I am now.  There is nothing neither I nor medical science can do to change that.  Seriously, I have tried literally everything on the market, and yet I do not lose weight.  The real question is, why should I even have to?

  First of all, I am an endomorph.  If you don’t know what that means, go look it up since I’m not here to to make you smarter.  Wait.  Nevermind.  It means that I have a heavy-set body type.  That’s what genetics is.  You are born with certain genes and you CAN’T change your genetic make-up short of radioactive spiders biting you.  Fat people stay fat.  That’s life.

  I can hear you skinny thin lips flapping in the breeze while you eat your rice cakes, so don’t even go there.  What’s that, you say?  You say that being overweight is unhealthy?  Really, are you sure about that?  Why don’t you go check out this book from your local library then.  It is written by a very knowledgeable LAW professor, so it’s definitely got to be true concerning science.  Oh sure, I hear you saying, it might be ok to be a little overweight, but my BMI is 48.  Yeah, I turn heads, but I’m happy and healthier than ever.  Do I have health problems?  Sure, everyone does.  But I have the exact same health problems that all the other people my age have.  Who, I ask you, at age 51 does NOT have chronic back pain?  Who has knees that don’t hurt?  Who doesn’t have a little bit of a cough every morning?  No one, that’s who.  You get aches and pains when you get older.  That’s life.  It isn’t being fat and it isn’t smoking, deal with it.  Speaking of which, don’t get me started on smoking.  You wanna open that door? well then get out of the way cause I’m coming through.  Here’s a freebee for you to start… fat people DON’T GET OSTEOPOROSIS!  You little brittle boned crybaby whiners might get it, but I’m not worried.  Suck on that.  Now on to smoking, since “it’s so bad for you.”

  Fact 1: No one has ever conclusively proven in a double-blinded randomized control trial that smoking causes cancer.  Surprised?  I thought you skinny bastards might be.  And PAH-leease don’t get me started on second hand smoking.  There have been trends and associations, never scientific proof. 

  Fact 2: Smoking after heart surgery decreases the level of restenosis of the arteries.  Here’s the proof!  I’m sure your little skinny, pearly clean lungs couldn’t understand all that, so I’ll explain.  If I ever need heart surgery, and you need heart surgery, I’ll get better faster and have less complications, since the carbon monoxide levels in my lungs will be higher.  Carbon monoxide dilates blood vessels.  Hell, I think I’ll light up right now… ooh, that’s smooth.  But I can hear you whining “but you’ll only get heart disease if you keep smoking in the first place.”  You, my tooth pick friend are an idiot, so I’m not even going to answer that argument.  Instead I’ll prove that I’m smarter than you with…

  Fact 3: Smoking make you think gooder that non-smokers.  That’s right.  Here’s the proof.  Did you get that?  YOU may have to read it again, but I’ll remember it, since I’m smart.

  Fact 4: This is for you granola loving, tree hugging hippies… Even Disney’s Goofy smoked, and he couldn’t stop either.  Seriously.  Check this out!

  Now quit bitching, eat and smoke!

  • 1:59 am
  • 3 Comments